Family

Went driving today.  I'm in Phoenix on work and have a day to myself.  I've had some good success at work lately so I decided I could take some time.
Just north of Phoenix is the Prescott National Forest and Christie and I had been through there before.  We came through as we drove from the California coast back to Dallas.  We had gone to CA to transfer a donor embryo and the doc said flying back wasn't a good idea so we hung around in CA for a bit and drove back to Dallas.  We went through Prescott and we both loved it.  We spent some time on their square and got some coffee at a really cool place there.  We were married for about 4 years at that time and I loved Chris deeply-I still do but that's for later in the entry.  We kvetched for months about doing the donor embryo-finally I agreed that it was a good thing to do and we did it.  Anyway, as we drove through Prescott and walked the square I remember feeling very strongly about Chris.  I felt that way today as well.  I didn't think I would, I guess I'd forgotten about it actually.  I thought it'd be a good place to go but when I got there all those feelings and thoughts came back: what a great place, the hope and fear about the infertility issues, how strongly I felt for Chris and what the future held.
As I walked the square I thought we could spend a weekend there.  Nice dinner, visiting stores and walking trails in the day, sleeping in and doing all the things folks do when the sleep in.  Then the reality of the 3 kids came back--very difficult to work out a weekend get away w/3 kids our kids age.  Not impossible but very tough.  As I considered how we could make it work it was clear to me that that part of our lives has passed.  Now we had other responsibilities that took precedence over us having the kind of togetherness we had in the past.  Initially I was sad about that, however, as I considered the matter it was clear to me that what was happening was life, nothing more and nothing less.  We were in that place and now we're in this place.  I loved that place and I love this place.
I am so grateful for my family.  So grateful for my wife.  So grateful for the deeply satisfying warmth and connection that my family gives me.
While I miss the type of connection that Chris and I had back then, if we still had it we wouldn't have what have now!  Make sense?
As I walked the square there was a an older couple that were sort of hanging all over each other as they window shopped.  They were embarrassed as I saw them but they shouldn't have been.  I can't wait 'till Chris and I can do that.  

Ziggy

I used to wonder a lot, now I guess I wonder every now and then if I’m normal.  If I’m like other folks.

I lost a son years ago.  I rarely consider it now.  Occasionally when I look at my oldest boy now I think about the one I lost.  I wonder if I could have possibly loved Ziggy as much as I love Duncan.  Perhaps. 

Today’s the day Ziggy was born.  He was born, lived, and died all in 3 days.  Short, sharp, shock.  Very, painful for a number of what I thought were extenuating circumstances but, who, who loses someone, doesn’t have extenuating circumstances.

I have been sad today—working, so that’s good.  But irritable, easily annoyed.  Prickly.  I’ve known it was the anniversary of Ziggy’s birth.  Didn’t consider it to have any impact on me.  But it does.  Good to acknowledge it.  At least I know what’s going on.

I’m sad.  If I consider it long I get angry.  I feel ripped off like some bastard stole into my home and took him.  Been lots of years and I’m still angry.  Many, many years ago someone told me being angry wasn’t as helpful as learning from what happened.  Learn.  I really took that to heart.  I love to learn and even if I iterate slowly or perhaps in too small increments I do iterate.  I did though think I was further along than this. 

I suppose tomorrow, or the next day it’ll be far away again—maybe I will indeed be further away from it then.  How do people do it when they lose kids that are older?  How do they keep going?  I know why people don’t think about it—it’s frightening. 

I’ll go to bed tonight grateful for the family I have, knowing how, fleeting, fragile and precious they are. 

And I’ll know that I’m just like everyone else.      

Boys

Boys are dirty.  Dirt in the snot running from their nose dirty.  Spit in food-spit in your food dirty.
Boy are painful.  Kick you in the nuts and laugh painful.  Ignore you painful, ignore you and laugh about it painful.
Boys are careless.  Break shit careless, break expensive shit careless, break your expensive shit careless.  Break their expensive shit that you bought careless.
Boys take up space.  You gotta buy a big car if you have two of them.  They crowd you out of chairs, couches, dinner tables and some relationships. Sometimes when they're close they smell (see "boys are dirty").
Boys are loud.  Boys yell so you'll hear them.  Boys yell to be heard over other boys.  Sometimes boys are loud just because they want to be.
Boys don't sit still.  Boys wriggle, move and fidget (see boys break things).  Boys aren't good at quiet time and only like nap mats when they pretend to take a nap.
Boys are genuine-wide eyed, grateful to be taken for the ride, heart broken if ignored genuine.

So, who should know this.  The people who work with, interact with raise and have a passing engagement with boys should know these things.  But that's not half as important as having boys know this.  Boys can get caught up in being a 'good boy' trying to please mom, dad, teacher, coach.  While I'm all for this kind of motivation if the people who are here to raise boys lose sight of who they're raising things can get messy.

So, if you're raising, coaching, interacting with or teaching boys--know who you're dealing with.