My mom was nutty. Dependent, rageful, and flighty among other things. She was also warm, genuine, and deeply concerned with my well being.
I remember when I was probably 7 or 8 that I wanted to run away. There was either some real or imagined slight that I experienced in my family that was truly the straw that broke the camel’s back. As I considered my response it was clear that I had to leave. Most likely I would fare a great deal better on my own.
I can’t be sure what was going on in my mom’s head but as I’m now a parent of 3 with an almost 7 year old I suppose I can guess. She may have been confused and concerned, wondering what had disturbed me to the degree to which I wanted to leave home. Perhaps she thought it was cute that I was making a bold decision. In any case I remember her acknowledging my decision with the kind of gravity it deserved. She looked concerned and supported the fact that, yes, if that was what was decided then I must act. She helped me pack. And this is what I really remember, she made PB&J sandwiches for me, wrapping them in plastic and putting them into my backpack along with my clothes. I left home and walked the streets of my neighborhood. I remember feeling a great deal of relief and freedom. I had cut ties with the daily details that had grounded me and was able to experience the world without the worries of home. I remember touching pine trees and cones in ways that allowed me to experience the wonder of how these things were made. It was a tremendous stress relief for me, and, as I consider it today, I wonder how a 7 year old boy came to experience such stress in his daily life.
I’m much older now. I look back on that youthful mom, the stressed out boy and I think about being young. I think about my almost 7 year old boy. How delicate and wonderous he is. I wonder if he’s currently stressed out and how I might help him before he gets that way. I’m respectful of the fact that daily stress affects him as much as anyone and that he needs support, respect, and encouragement.
I give thanks for a flawed mom that never stopped searching for the strength to love me and for my wife who tirelessly loves and supports our 3.
Peace, Love, and PB&J.
:)
ReplyDelete