Went driving today. I'm in Phoenix on work and have a day to myself. I've had some good success at work lately so I decided I could take some time.
Just north of Phoenix is the Prescott National Forest and Christie and I had been through there before. We came through as we drove from the California coast back to Dallas. We had gone to CA to transfer a donor embryo and the doc said flying back wasn't a good idea so we hung around in CA for a bit and drove back to Dallas. We went through Prescott and we both loved it. We spent some time on their square and got some coffee at a really cool place there. We were married for about 4 years at that time and I loved Chris deeply-I still do but that's for later in the entry. We kvetched for months about doing the donor embryo-finally I agreed that it was a good thing to do and we did it. Anyway, as we drove through Prescott and walked the square I remember feeling very strongly about Chris. I felt that way today as well. I didn't think I would, I guess I'd forgotten about it actually. I thought it'd be a good place to go but when I got there all those feelings and thoughts came back: what a great place, the hope and fear about the infertility issues, how strongly I felt for Chris and what the future held.
As I walked the square I thought we could spend a weekend there. Nice dinner, visiting stores and walking trails in the day, sleeping in and doing all the things folks do when the sleep in. Then the reality of the 3 kids came back--very difficult to work out a weekend get away w/3 kids our kids age. Not impossible but very tough. As I considered how we could make it work it was clear to me that that part of our lives has passed. Now we had other responsibilities that took precedence over us having the kind of togetherness we had in the past. Initially I was sad about that, however, as I considered the matter it was clear to me that what was happening was life, nothing more and nothing less. We were in that place and now we're in this place. I loved that place and I love this place.
I am so grateful for my family. So grateful for my wife. So grateful for the deeply satisfying warmth and connection that my family gives me.
While I miss the type of connection that Chris and I had back then, if we still had it we wouldn't have what have now! Make sense?
As I walked the square there was a an older couple that were sort of hanging all over each other as they window shopped. They were embarrassed as I saw them but they shouldn't have been. I can't wait 'till Chris and I can do that.
